I don’t know how to let you go

Hours have turned into days.

Days have turned into Months.

You have turned into ash.

Everything is gone, everything is bleak, everything is black.

But you live on in me.

In my dreams, in my threads, in my paints, in my songs, in my words, in my clothes.

Tears, dried up.

Sorrow, turned into obsessions.

Grief, manifested as silence.

Loss, covered by hollow smiles.

You’re gone, but you still live on.

And I am lost.

My child, frolic in the eternal sunshine, dance in the eternal bliss. Spread your joy, and let your kind soul take over the heavens for they could learn a thing or two from you.

Your love. Your kind heart. Your innocent eyes. Haunt me.

Your last moments, your restlessness, my helplessness. Haunt me.

My hands haunt me.

And I await my call to reunite with you.

Until then, I continue breathing, existing at the mercy of this grand universe.

The forces brought you into my life, then they took you away.

And I continue to flow as a small speck in this mysterious, endless ocean, awaiting my purpose.

True love doesn’t question or judge, it’s built with kindness & trust. But does everyone deserve it?

Love, it has the power to change the world. But only when channeled in the right direction.

A few years ago, an artist said to me – “You’re too kind, people neither understand nor deserve that kind of kindness. But animals do. Don’t be so nice, people will read that as a weakness and walk all over you, take you for granted. Reserve your giving, understanding nature for the animals. Put on a shield and create strong boundaries with people.”

I was 23 when he said these words to me. I didn’t understand this then. But these exact words are imprinted in my subconscious and will remain so until I die. Because at that exact moment, he was doing quite the opposite – giving to me with an open heart, mentoring me to structure my emotions, thoughts and actions in a manner that would help me get by this transactional world sans hurt and pain.

Yes, true love is giving without expectations. It’s believing and trusting that all the good you put into the world around you will channel through the universe and multiply as it does, eventually manifesting into something beautiful. And maybe, someday you will feel a ripple of this love circle back to you in some form.

So you give, give, keep giving and then some more with an open, non-judgemental heart. Put all your living energy into the success and growth of the people around you. Let go when they simply take and move on. Forgive their inability to comprehend the power of the energy channelled through their living existence. Rise above petty schemes that reek of negativity and turn a blind eye. Stay calm through the storms, persevere on the path of light. Believe that the universe looks out for everybody, stay strong when you find yourself standing alone.

No expectations – that’s the key. Giving with no expectations.

But every once in a while, you will find yourself at the eye of a storm, all alone as you look up to the dark night sky and ask, “is it worth it? What’s the point of giving when you get nothing in return? When nobody gives a f**k about you. If these people have left you on your own, then what good on earth have they done to receive unconditionally from you?”

My love, giving is not for the weak. A true giver is not one who does so with vested interests. Giving is a way of life. A powerful force that nurtures the universe, balancing out the deadweight created by takers.

I know, that’s not how the transactional world works. The world out there is practical, calculating, cold and impersonal. As a kid, my caregivers sought it their moral responsibility engrain in my mind that every relationship in this world is give-and-take. Be it your mother, father, brother, sister, friend, lover, boss, colleague, subordinate or stranger; always a give-and-take. “Never invest if you are not certain of equal returns, and always balance out another person’s offering with immediate returns in equal weight, never less,” they said.

Sounds like a fair deal, no? Match each other’s expectations and offerings, everyone gets something and goes home with a fulfilled heart.

But my love, deep deep down inside, every living being has the potential to give a lot more than the world could ever give back to you. So, don’t let deceit, retribution, petty politics and back-stabbing bog you down. You are higher than this. You, only you can decide and shape who you really want to be. 

I am now 25, well almost. I am deeply grateful to all the people who have played a role in my life, for the lessons they have taught me in human behaviour, relationships and giving. Yes, I have had my fair share of ungrateful bi**hes, users and plain takers with no intentions of ever returning what you give to them. People who take you for granted, and will continue to do so no matter what you do. And I am learning to be okay with that.

Yes, it’s okay if nobody gives a f**k about what I am giving them. The love and energy I put into their lives. It’s okay if they don’t notice it. But it will be extremely naive of me if I kept giving, for such people don’t have the innate capability to pass over that energy to other beings in the universe. 

My love, keep giving. Keep giving with an open heart. But give wisely. Give unconditionally only to those who are capable of giving to others. 

Remember that shield he was talking about it? The world has helped me realize it’s importance. That’s just how some people are wired my love, you need to build an extra shield when interacting with them. Shield your giving nature, don’t change who you are.

I Didn’t Want This

I didn’t ask for you,
I didn’t ask for this,
I didn’t deceive you,
I didn’t want this.
You wanted me,
You had me,
You said you loved me.
All I wanted was for you to find happiness.
All I wanted for you to find was peace.
That was my love.
You said you loved another,
I accepted.
You asked me to go,
I Left.
You asked me to let go,
I let it all go.
The kisses.
The hugs.
The assurance.
The love.
And now all that’s left is me.
Broken.
But where are you going to hide when you feel my love in everything I do?
Where are you going to hide when you see me?
What will you do when you I cry?
Where will you hide those eyes?
Yes, I have fallen.
Yes, I feel your love all around me.
And it’s unbearable.
Unbearable to be forbidden to love back.
Everything has a price.
Not letting me have you has one too.
You will pay for it. Pay for it with your sanity.
You will feel it all around you, everyday, every second of your existence. And this love will haunt you.
The only way out now, rip me apart and burn my heart. For it has lost all purpose to exist.
Don’t take this too seriously, remember?
Everything tumbles with me, to my grave.
Your secret is safe.

Stranger

Lying here in a stranger’s embrace, I wonder, if this was meant to be.

Not just a matter of chance that I ran into, but a conspiracy, planned aeons ago, even before my soul came to exist. Like I was meant to serve a purpose in your bed. Loving you, opening up my deepest warmths, my well kept secrets all scattered like cards on the table. And you take your pick, one at a time, exploring. Discarding each like a child at play.

Vulnerable, I sit there, waiting for you to toy with me again – absorbing this gift, a peace offering. Sucking the radiant life, until the light from my eyes is gone and I become a part of you. Fitting into some corner of the incomplete puzzle you are.

Cover my corpse, kiss my forehead, put on your mask. Move on to the next quest that awaits you. Destiny has far too many conspiracies planned, to remember each.

Note: This piece was written in July 2015 and has nothing to do with the cat. Or maybe it does? You can decide that.

Apologies. No Apologies.

Never apologise for who you are, what you are, what you think, what you feel, what you do (unless of course, it’s hurting someone). You don’t need to always explain yourself, prove your worth to people, or convince them of who you really are. Those who are meant to, will eventually see it. The rest are inconsequential. 

It has taken me all my life, all my strength, all my sanity and all my relationships to get here. To finally begin to understand what it all means. To finally begin to let life happen. To appreciate the good, be patient with the bad and hold on to my sanity when staring into that blackhole of despair. To love no matter what happens, and let go. To find the peace within and ground myself.

This is me.

Eccentric. Weird. Selfish. Too sensitive. Stupid. Arrogant. Too kind. Too trusting. Passionate. Ugly. Beautiful. Fat. Thin. Confused. Angry. Short tempered. Understanding. Smart. Brilliant. Unaware. In my head. Passive aggressive. Too in the face. Too emotional. Compassionate. Irrational. Crazy. Too slow. Needy. Whore. Desperate. Too ambitious for a woman. Attention seeker. Artsy. Creative, Writer. Traveler. Photographer. Animal lover. Cockroach hater. Rude. Ignorant. Too confident. A spoilt brat. Too articulate. Too good for something. Too naive. Undeserving. Fearful. Clingy. Too harsh. Unhappy. Sad. Emotionless. Anxious. Depressed. Borderline insane. Sexy. Cute. Seductive. Strong. Gentle. Too intense. Too polite. Strongly opinionated. Fake. Too sophisticated. Alcoholic. Drunkard. Drama Queen. Strong headed. Pretty. Long haired. Dreamy eyed. Hippie spirit. Detached. Too bothered. Short. Small. Weak. Feel too much. Feel nothing. Irritating. Nagging. Inspiring. Preachy. Helpful. Perfectionist. Existentialist. Grammar Nazi. Moody. Highly sensitive. Funny. Lack a sense of humour. Tasteless. Smoker. Tripper. Focussed. Obsessed. Tyrant. Inconsiderate. Meek. Loving. Caring. Crazy cat lady. Crazy dog person. Dancer. Poet. Philosopher. Too touchy. Soft spoken. Serious.

And it’s okay.

These are YOUR OPINIONS.

I am only human. I have a heart that beats. A Mind that feels. A brain that creates, thinks, overthinks. And a world of my own. I can be a lot of things, depends on who you are.

Sorry World – please deal with it.

I have arrived.

Kitchen Love

Once in an imperial kitchen lived salt and pepper. Now one may ask, what could be so special about them? They’re found in every kitchen ! But don’t be mistaken, this is the story of those legendary trend setters.

Salt and pepper lived on different shelves. If there were a kitchen hierarchy, then pepper would fit in as a slave – fit to be shut inside. It was black, strangely spicy and unpleasant to any inhaling passerby. But salt stood apart like a majestic Queen. She was fair, free flowing and did justice to all spices. She could turn around the flavors of any dish with one touch, blending in perfectly.

One day, a young cook found himself as head of the imperial kitchen. The previous cook had been fired for his unreasonable love for adding chillies to whatever he cooked. The kitchen gossip was that the chillies enchanted him with their vibrancy. They ruined the king’s health to an extent that only sugar, milk and rice could help him.

Days passed and darkness loomed over the kitchen. Sugar grew wicked and threatened to dissolve spices with sweetness. We feared a coup, we needed salt to assert her right.

This called for the first Secret Midnight Meeting of the Kitchen Condiments. All came from the farthest corners of drawers and shelves, entire sacks of goods sent representatives to make their presence felt. But none came to a conclusion and a fight broke out between who was most suitable to tackle the situation.

Pepper quietly stood by in a corner. He was in love with the Queen. He couldn’t bear to see her like that. The throne was rightfully her’s. He hatched a plan.

Through the crevice of his cup board, he noticed that everyday for breakfast, the king had omelettes with a hint of sugar and cardamon. He was personally disgusted by it and felt that he could definitely do a better job of it.

So that night after everyone left, he snuck into the Queen’s room and convinced her of his plan and they hid behind the stove. Salt took an instant liking to this dark, round fellow. He was good at heart and his gentle ways were no short of a noble’s demeanor.

Pepper knew his place, he feared salt would dislike him if he told her about how he felt. Why would an essential pay heed to a commoner’s heart? Then he felt salt holding onto his arms, she was nervous and vulnerable. In the moment, Pepper confessed his love for her. Salt cried and hugged him. They made passionate love.

The next morning, they waited by the stove. As the young cook prepared the king’s breakfast, salt-pepper jumped into the omelette! Started, the young cook paused and thought to himself; maybe the king could use some change today.

It was a hit! The king loved it. He demanded that salt- pepper be Served to him with every meal.

The kitchen rejoiced! Salt-pepper got married and ruled kitchens ever since. They became the yin and yang of the culinary world.

The Black

In Pursuit of Happiness

 

In pursuit of happiness, we walk down memory lane,

tossing and turning, bits and pieces of shattered hopes; all lost in vain.

A little ahead on the road, we realize, our life has been nothing but one lived through hardships.

We lived contained; by our notions of right and moral and just.

We forgot to live; suffocated by expectations and rituals, mainstream ideas and sequels.

Why? have you forgotten?

Those days of freedom? The days of sunshine, endlessly chasing dragonflies, whiling away the day making airplanes?

Chasing bubbles along the way, running endlessly into the horizon,

playing and playing like nothing else mattered but game?

In the pursuit of happiness,

I realized, we undermine our lives, like dreams flushed down the drain.

We cling so hard to sadness, so hard, till the lights cease to exist and all is covered by doom’s taint.

We let the sadness prey on our minds, feast on our happy memories and thoughts, till the extent that it paralyses us

and we become zombies ruled by cold instincts of revenge and grudges.

It is the sadness, then, which defines our lives, rules our hearts and brains.

It builds a giant cage around the real you, till it eventually withers away, taken over by the poisoned sadness you now embrace.

Harsh become the decisions we make, cold the vibes we generate.

Who We Are?

We often wonder who we are. The perennial questions of why when and what is our purpose, pester us; we think too far.
We look too hard, too hard to see the truth, allow constructs of our mind to rule.
The real us hides in plain sight, waiting to be found day and night.
But the moment you look at yourself in the mirror, when you know who you are, that’s the moment you will be a star.
No construct no illusion no realm of confusion shall rule you anymore.
You are your own creation, your very own.
Live like a royal crown stone; unique, exquisite, celebrated.
Strong, powerful, just and quaint; like a king commanding the reins.
You are in doubt, fear and pain I know. But the world doesn’t need to, all that matters is your gold.
Gold of power, authority and fame, across the land seas and rain.
But the day gold powers you, you will be a mountain of shame, standing there all alone no one to part the pain.
All is lost in time, all in vain, you will again be nothing, standing in front of a mirror, wondering the same.
Was it me? Or you in there who lived the surreal? You probably know because it was you who trapped yourself right in that mirror the day you found out who was real.
You are a coward then I say. A treacherous liar, a mere stowaway. Who else traps their soul safe away in the depths of an unsuspecting lair so that you could come back someday and live the true ‘you’ again?
Then why this play? Melodrama of empires and grace? When you knew all along it isn’t what you really embrace? You are no king or queen inside, just a simpleton and it’s high time you take pride.
Don’t live because you were told so, live because you believe so;

in yourself, in your dreams, in your ambitions, in you.

No More

You come in my dreams, a bit too often
The ones involving vows to get buried in the same coffin.
You hold me close to you and whisper, you shall suffer no more.
Oh these dreams! Nothing but meaningless versions of an illusion,  prose like the raging crows .
You are my beast in shining armour, come in night after night wanting more.
But that is all that is there to us for you are my nocturnal visitor and  I your beloved whore.
So love me, love me hard, love me all that you can tonight coz I want you never again, no more.
These dreams no longer I can take, you have made me a living gore.
No more.
No more.